I call him Mr. Goat
Mr. Goat came to my office and sat down in front of me. He changed several positions before he could begin to speak. His body was fidgeting. “I cannot sleep ... I really can’t sleep ...... I really want to sleep ...... But I can't .......” His eyes were looking at the ceiling. His appearance was exceptionally haggard.
After a while, he said “It might be caused by the pandemic.”
There are many concerning aspects during the pandemic, such as: Can I continue to work? When will the pandemic end? Will I get sick? What can I do while my children are getting so bored at home? Would I be able to recover? “It is not about the anxiety of getting sick but rather the fear of being immoblized when the lockdowns happen.”
It is like a monkey being trapped in a tiny cage. One feels anxious and helpless. One becomes emotionally down and suppresses these feelings, especially when one has lost one’s freedom. Eventually after the pandemic, the so-called “repressed” emotions will be released gradually.
However, there might be other reasons behind this.
Mr. Goat had not been able to fall asleep smoothly for several months and he was also engaged in a very complex work environment which required him to be in a high degree of attention and concentration. He was working in the computing industry and worked non-stop throughout the day. A typical day for him consisted of task after task, and one problem after another.
He suffered from insomnia and sleeplessness until dawn. He would fall asleep at 5:00 or 6:00 a.m. and get up after two hours.
Mr. Goat talked for nearly 30 minutes continuously in our first session. The topic was only centered around his job.
After hearing his story, I had a chance and asked him one question. “Do you really want to rest?"
This question was intended as an attempt to understand his needs sincerely.
He took a deep breath and he was ready to reveal his internal feelings. I realized his anxiety had started to calm down at this moment. His body was finally stabilizing.
"I don't."
He continued to reply, "Actually, I really can't rest. I have too many things to do, and the burden of my life seems to fall on my shoulders all at once.” Following this line, I immediately had this thought, “You actually need to let people know that you have done a lot for your family.”
“People always thought I was neglecting my children for the sake of work. I hope they can understand me," Mr Goat said.
I tried to clarify and understand him completely, “Although you are surrounded by people, but you feel like you are alone emotionally?”
He then started to cry.
He cried for a long period of time.
He then said, "I feel much better now.... In fact, my family always advised me to get some rest, but no one could understand me. The truth is I can’t get the weight off of my shoulders and all the burdens are actually falling on me!"
When we are anxious, our bodies have a hard time calming down, and so we get restless. We feel uneasy and uncontrollable about the future and life. More prominent reasons are often due to a failure to listen to our internal world.
If you truly understand your own needs and are willing to connect with your inner self, this anxiety will gradually subside.
Insomnia is a symbol of suffering. But there is more tremendous suffering in our internal world for not being listened to.
Disclaimer: This simulated case is a composite based on many such cases from my clinical practice over the years. There may be an apparent resemblance to any one individual since the situation depicted in this vignette is relatively common. However, any such resemblance is accidental. The names are manufactured and do not refer to any one actual person.