I know it's not my fault. But why am I still unhappy?
- Dr. Pauline Hall
- 24 hours ago
- 2 min read
"Actually, I know it's not my fault."
She made it very clear.
She knew the other person's behavior was unreasonable. She knew she had done her best. She was even aware of when she started blaming herself again.
From a psychological perspective, she seemed to understand everything.
But she paused for a moment and asked me:
"Why do you think I'm so unhappy?"
This is a common problem in the therapy room.
We easily assume that when a person "figures it out," their emotions should change accordingly.
When I know it wasn't my fault, I shouldn't feel guilty anymore. When I know it's all in the past, I shouldn't be afraid anymore. When I know that relationship wasn't right for me, I should be able to let go.
But human emotions are not a math problem.
Understanding is not the same as emotional processing.
"I know there's something wrong with his system."
She started telling me that she had read a lot of information.
"He's an NPD." "These are typical PUAs." "What he's doing is manipulation."
When a chaotic situation finally gets a name, it does give people a sense of "oh, I see".
She actually analyzed things very well. She began to understand why the other person acted that way. She started analyzing his behavioral patterns. For each behavior, she found a psychological term to match and explain it, but behind these explanations, there was one person who was easily overlooked: herself.
"You said a lot about what they would do. What is the most uncomfortable thing for you in this matter?"
She paused for a moment.
"Actually... I feel like I'm completely unimportant."
Behind the question of "why he did this," there may be a few simple things that have gone unheard:
"Actually, I was injured."
"I've been ignored."
"I thought I was important to him."
"It wasn't what I thought."
But I believe that these are often the most painful parts.
Sometimes, therapy simply requires not rushing to explain, but simply staying with someone in those feelings.
