Her name is Joey, and she comes from a *blended family. Whenever I see her, she always radiates joyful glow, like sunshine that can illuminate anywhere.
Our psychological counseling sessions typically occur once every two to three weeks, not very frequently. Sometimes she takes leave for traveling, friends' birthdays, job interviews, and other reasons. We have established a therapeutic relationship over the course of two years.
In the early discussions, the focus was mainly on family relationships, self-image, and her romantic issues. During this period, I accompanied her through many on and off relationships.
Joey's pattern of love was consistent: she was always attracted to people who mistreated her. She constantly searched for new romantic partners and sometimes engaged in intimate relationships with multiple individuals simultaneously. Once she found someone she liked, she would fully commit herself.
Joey's pronounced sense of anxiety stemming from loneliness was evident. Whenever she went through a breakup, she quickly jumped into a new relationship. Recently, she became involved with a man.
Initially, he seemed caring, but soon he turned into an economic parasite.
Joey ended up paying for many bills, even though she realized it was an exploitative pattern. She found it difficult to break free from it. In the past six months, we discussed whether she was emotionally manipulated by her partner.
One day, on a particularly hot afternoon that made one feel irritable, Joey arrived wearing an oversized long-sleeved cotton t-shirt. Recalling all the previous counseling sessions, she had never worn a short-sleeved shirt before. Something felt off to me, and with my clinical intuition, I asked, "I'm curious why you chose to wear such a heavy shirt today. Do you mind if I ask?"
She casually replied, "Oh, it's just to hide some scars, nothing really." Her sunny smile reappeared, but it didn't match her words. It sank my heart even further.
Expressing my concern, I said, "Thank you for sharing that with me. Joey, can I take a look?"
She disregarded my care and rolled up her sleeves. What I saw shocked me! Her arms were covered in a series of deep scars, some old, some freshly cut, revealing her profound pain.
The conversation then shifted to her self-harming behavior. I tried to make her aware of her feelings. She nonchalantly detailed everything, without holding back. To gain a better understanding of her condition, I asked, "I've noticed that you laugh out loud when discussing serious matters. Is there something I haven't picked up on?"
She chuckled sarcastically, "Well, after spending so much time with me, don't you think I'm incredibly stupid?"
I was really puzzled by this opening sentence. I honestly told her, "I have never thought so. What drives you to have this feeling?"
"I can't stop..." She was referring to her habitual indulgence in emotions, even when the other party made unreasonable demands. Under the persistent pleading of the other party, she would still compromise and help the other party. She said she never knew how to refuse.
From that moment on, our meetings became more frequent, and our therapeutic relationship grew stronger. We started focusing on her past relationships, self-image, self-perception, and childhood experiences. We also delved into various emotions she experienced during self-harm.
She admitted that during the process of self-harm, she often lost control, leading to deeper cuts than she had intended. Joey used self-harm as a way to numb her emotions. The more she harmed herself, the more desensitized she became, trapped in a vicious cycle.
Why do I always encounter misfortune?
From "Why do I always encounter misfortune?" to "I feel incredibly stupid and unworthy." This journey involved stages of denial, self-doubt, self-discovery, and acknowledging the harm she had endured. It was easier said than done, and true understanding took time.
In a pivotal session, Joey revealed that she had broken up with her boyfriend. That day, she had severely hurt herself, but there was no contradictory smile on her face. Seeing her wounds, I expressed my concern and sorrow, which prompted tears from Joey.
Crying is the consumption of intense emotional energy.
It was an open-hearted conversation where we discussed her heart-wrenching journey. She realized that her self-harm was not due to losing her boyfriend, but rather her repeated involvement in disrespectful relationships and allowing others to mistreat her. She was furious with herself for loving her partners but constantly blaming herself for being too tolerant of their disrespectful behavior.
She described herself as foolish, carrying a sense of shame. The shame she felt for choosing to be abused generated intense self-loathing, making her "feel" that besides self-harm, she had no other coping mechanism.
We further explored how self-harm provided her with a sense of control and a deceptive self-punishment. While I couldn't endorse her actions, I made it clear that I understood the intense emotions driving her behavior.
Shame is the most powerful weapon to defeat oneself.
Nothing is scarier than feeling ashamed, as it strips away your normal functioning. Recognizing it is the first step in the healing process.
Unresolved shame has the power to secretly control a person's life!
*Blended family: a family consisting of a couple, the children they have had together, and their children from previous relationships.
Disclaimer: This simulated case is a composite based on many such cases from my clinical practice over the years. There may be an apparent resemblance to any one individual since the situation depicted in this vignette is relatively common. However, any such resemblance is accidental. The names are manufactured and do not refer to any one actual person.
Image from www.pexels.com alexander-krivitskiy , edited by #professionalkarmamaker